I awoke in the night, like i always do. For once i was in the moment and assuming sleep would come but it didn’t. My mind turned to the blog I wrote yesterday and trying to make some sense of the whole thing. I had been taking to one of my bests while in my green house (total bliss) yesterday and was explaining the whole thing to her. I then went one to discuss yoga, how much i love it , but for some reason that’s another thing i love and I’ve had a mental blockage about doing it. Leaving me wondering why can’t i engage in things that are good for me and i really enjoy??
I have had such an incredibly stressful life, up until the past few years i would say it has been manageable but always stressful, no money, awful relationship with first kids father, In turn an horrendous relationship with my lovely kids, up until the past few years, dead dad … just lots of stuff to contend with. I have always liked a party, love it, and in turn the past few years of dealing with intense grief, suicidal and very poorly kids, wayyyyy to much work and stuff going on and a business that appears to be more effort than i can muster. But that’s it, the business took a back seat while i tried to hold everything together. Grabbing all of those tiny tail ends of everything else and trying to keep hold of them. I think the work had to come last.
SO, last night …. i was thinking about investing in my new workshop, about the investment it will cost me, and my mind immediately went to the negative …. what if, it fails, what if i invest and can’t make that back, what if … what if it just all turns to shit and my energy for it all doesn’t pick up ???
That’s when i reflected on the 9 of water card …. about not letting past experiences trigger emotions that are not helpful for current situations. If i look at my business now, and the potential it has and how far I have built it , and then i believe in that it could really go where i want it to go, i just need to change my attitude. Part of that is reflecting on how i can make it work. I wonder if i have given myself so much emotionally over the past few years to everyone else i feel guilty if i do things that are good for me? There is always a reason not to eat the fruit “ that’s for Evie and Lee”, not to do yoga, “must wash dishes, walk dog”, must only work for money not enjoyment, i am allowed to drink wine because that’s the only place i have found comfort and relief …. somehow i need to work out how to turn this around. Have considered hypnotherapy for this.
But there must be a way to teach my brain it is ok for me to do things for myself that aren’t destructive. My destructive habits are drinking, spending money like i have more than i have, lazy ness (its not really laziness more like lack of will/do power), the inability to complete things
Things i enjoy are, my family, my friends, making things (This includes everything, jewellery, knitting, sewing, everything) , learning (oh do i love to learn), my allotment, walking, yoga, cooking (this is something i do but i know its developed as its one thing i can give my family that’s helpful and good for them), physical contact, sex , conversation, diet/nutrition. These are things i need to focus on working into my life Because i am allowed them, and i deserve them. Maybe , i could do things like, not drink wine … play a game with Evie, pick up my knitting, work on a sewing project.
So, now i am off to try and make my self do some yoga before i embark on the rest of my day …..